Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, aka: AOC,
announced today an addition to her "Green New Deal" policy for addressing the problem of "Climate Change", stating that, "Like, Second
only to carbon
dioxide emissions, human fart emissions of methane gas, are like a major contributor to green-house gases that are like dooming the planet." She also asserted that, "The worlds populace is
like responsible for like over 20 billion tons of earth-heating methane gas
introduced into
the atmosphere like every year!"
To address this human fart threat, AOC stated that her "Green New Deal" will now require that every American citizen, use the newly designed,
Flatulence Accumulation & Retention Tanks, F.A.R.Ts. for short, as she unveiled a crude illustration of the device for
reporters in attendance.
AOC explained that the F.A.R.T.s device
is cutting edge technology designed by a San Francisco based,
gay-owned engineering firm in the congressional district of
Representative Nazi
Pelosi. She further explained that F.A.R.T.s is
a sphincter-retained mechanism, with a body-heat-powered
micro-compressor that automatically channels and compresses, into
the buttocks-conforming storage tanks, the dangerous flatulence that a citizen would otherwise spew directly into the atmosphere.
According to AOC, even though the dual storage tanks used in
the F.A.R.T.s device are, by necessity, small, they have a large
storage capacity--up to one month's worth of emissions. She attributes the high storage capacity to the
advanced technology, micro compressor and the high-pressure capability of
the storage tanks.
AOC asserted that users of the device will be required to
empty their F.A.R.T.s into local collection centers where the gas would
then be piped to "Green Energy" power plants to generate environmentally-friendly
electricity. "Furthermore," said AOC, "each F.A.R.T.s device would also contain a
micro transmitter chip that would allow authorities to remotely
monitor the wearer's compliance." She stated that, "Failure to wear the required device would mean like a felony conviction with like up to 5 years in a "Re-education" gulag."
AOC then explained that her "Green New Deal" was also revised to include a new tax to be levied on the consumption of foods notorious for
producing intestinal methane. As examples, she mentioned high-fiber
foods such as cabbage, beans and oatmeal and low fiber foods such as
hard-boiled eggs. AOC stated that the tax would
also be used to finance the building of the collection center
infrastructure necessary for collecting F.A.R.T.s stored methane, as
well as the new methane burning power plants necessary for converting
the gas to electricity.
Sensitive to numerous claims of her hypocrisy by her many detractors, at the end of her press conference, AOC boasted, "I'm like very proud to be using a F.A.R.T.s as like part of my effort to set an example for like the rest of America." Whereupon, she dropped her pants and demonstrated, for the on-looking leftist propagandists, how easy it was to
remove her F.A.R.T.s and empty it into a prototype
collection device. Then, to the applause of the adoring propagandists in attendance, and
after a liberal application of Vaseline, AOC then
reinserted her F.A.R.T.s, pulled up her pants and asked if there were any questions.
